june 23, 2021
i feel like the biggest idiot right now. the day started off fine. foxglove and i tried going to the bowling alley but the wait was too long. instead we went to the mall where i bought two books. we didn't know where else to go except the beach, which is becoming our hangout spot. we stayed in foxglove's car for a while and talked a lot. it was mainly me asking questions because i love to learn about people. thnkfully fox doesn't mind my excessive talking. when the sun set, we went out onto the shore but i didn't want to get my new shoes dirty so foxglove gave me a piggyback ride to the lifeguard tower. it was super cold so fox alternated between putting his arm around me and hugging me from behind. i thought this was normal because my girl friends and i do the same thing. we hug, hold hands, and platonically flirt all the time. i've also seen foxglove hold his friend's hand so i thought this was his way of showing his love for people. i never thought much of it. this was just friends being friends.
except it wasn't. i don't remember how we started talking about this topic but fox said that he could see "us" happening. i laughed because i thought he was joking but he was being serious. i pulled away from him and tried to make myself clear that that will never happen. i value our friendship too much and i don't want anything to change.
the ride home was a little awkward but i acted the same way i did before. apparently foxglove had been dropping hints and he thought there was something between us. i hadn't known. i'm so oblivious sometimes and i wonder if i had led him on. i keep looking back on my past actions and second-guessing my intentions. did i send the wrong signal? i don't even know what signals look like or how to send them. god i am so dumb.
i wish he hadn't told me. i liked what we had but now i feel like our friendship has been a whole lie. it's selfish of me to think of my own emotions in this situation because i was the one who rejected him.
june 12, 2021
today was a good day. the best day i’ve ever had. it was so simple. i think i’ve been appreciating the smaller, simpler things lately. the other day, i caught a tiny moth-like creature that was flying around my room and instead of murdering it, i took it outside. i wasn’t even scared or disgusted, just happy it got to be free.
this morning, i woke up at 8, which was earlier than usual, but i didn’t mind it. i like waking up early because that’s when the sun is positioned just right to let in the most light through my window. the day began in such a perfect way after a night full of worrying.
i got up, showered, braided my hair, did some chores. i went to the library, my favorite place in the world. this place is a shelter to me. whenever i’m sad, i go there to cheer myself up.
when i got home, i biked around my neighborhood for half an hour, played with the stray cat, then took another shower. fresh and clean, i curled up against my giant stuffed animal with some soft music playing. i felt okay in the world for once.
june 8, 2021
mourning what could have been. i would have done things differently. why didn't i?
june 7, 2021
my younger brother has been admitted to the psych ward. i don't know when i will give him his gift. everything is slowly falling apart again.
may 23, 2021
can’t do anything. can’t talk. can’t eat. can’t wake up. can’t sleep. can’t work. can’t move. can’t think. can’t hurt. can’t feel. can’t stop feeling. can’t. can’t. do you ever look at a word for so long it starts to not look like a word? can’t. can’t. can’t. yeah.
may 18, 2021
too unmotivated to do most simple things. too depressed to relapse. it seems the only thing i have enough energy for is crying myself to sleep almost every night. i hate how weak i am. crying feels hot and cold at the same time. my head feels like it's about to explode, but my body is shivering. how did i let it get this bad? it's kind of scary how i don't recognize myself anymore. when i'm talking to other people, i feel fake. i'm acting out a role in a movie.
may 12, 2021
whenever i feel like i’m about to break, i imagine looking up into someone’s eyes as they stroke my cheek and wipe my tears away. i pretend that someone wants me. i hear them say things like i love you or you are enough because i can’t accept those words from myself. at this point, i have felt more butterflies in my stomach with the faceless stranger in my dreams than i have ever felt with anyone i know in real life.
my 19th birthday
i have made the same wish on my birthday for the past three years. i wish on everything—dandelions, stars, even tonight's pink moon. it never comes true.
march 27, 2021
all i want right now is someone to hug me and protect me from the world. i want a hug.
march 6, 2021
in this single moment, i feel okay. just a little. it’s enough for now. thank you for giving me these tiny moments.
february 21, 2021
i finally know what happened. i think i’ve always known, deep down. but i was too scared to say it out loud because if i do, then that makes it real. well, more real than it’s ever felt. i was unsure for almost my entire life, so i recently asked around on some online forums. i’ve been too scared to, but i just needed to know. hearing people validate my experience and confirm my suspicions made something in me ache. because now i know that it will be a part of me forever. at least, before, i found comfort in my doubts. there was still the possibility that maybe i was just overreacting. i wanted to be wrong so bad. stupid me. i will never forget waking up and feeling him. not knowing how to say no. not wanting to say no. some people told me it wasn’t my fault, but i can’t help thinking it was. if only i had said no or pushed him away or something, maybe that wouldn’t have happened. i should have known better. i feel so gross and impure and upset that my childhood innocence was robbed of me.
february 3, 2021
i'm too frightened to look in the mirror. that girl doesn't look like me. she is a complete stranger.
january 31, 2021
i want so badly to fall in love with myself. please.